If I were a character in "The Matrix," I'd be in the original, sitting in front of a juicy, rare prime-rib saying, "I don't wanna remember nutt'in, Noth-Thing," because the career I've called my path for more than a dozen years seems to have let me down. To be clear, it's not my job, but the infrastructure that keeps me bitter-sweet to teaching. I love to teach students, I won't kiss their ass. I can turn the other cheek to things like insults, swearing, racial/sexist comments etc. I know that once I pull, I've hooked the fish and can then teach the fish (to fish); this doesn't go over well, this theory of humility and complete lack of ego.
Which leads me to my overall goals in finances: Cost of living + fun for my children + books + (ok, general retail therapy with a high arch in shoes). Meaning: I have no desire to go into administration.
I'm not looking to further my position from teacher to... whatever, and have completely original ideas that go well with English Leadership conferences and on "lists of things my employees CAN do," but in reality get rejected from actual classroom practice because we can't guarantee all levels of parent will approve" yaddah-yaddah.
And now I come to the horcrux. My position has been eliminated. I can do anything, but the specific certification (of many) for which I was specifically hired, has been cut due to that ever-economic favorite: budget cuts. I got a pleasant ending, not a pot of gold, but not a bed of spikes either. And the root of my disappointment came down to two very simple, specific ideas.
I am unhappy
My feelings have been hurt
Yes, FEELINGs (not to be confused with my dastardly and non-existant "ego" I was mentioning not having). I feel like my job cheated on me. Twice! The first time, I chose to leave (another time, another place) and the second time, I was left behind after trying to be enough for it again and again! Will it never be happy! And it turned out to be me that hadn't been happy after all! Three years and I needed to be the one ultimately dumped!
I went through all the emotions... What are those five stages that has "pissed off" somewhere between in the middle? Well, I think that that whole, "thinking its all my fault" is a sham. I'm a damn good teacher. It's been a nearly-nine-year-run (but not ten; heaven forbid I make state retirement!) and I've been shammed.
And now I'm looking at places that want to pay me.
And now I feel like I'm the one whose been cheating! What the hell? Just because I like a nice steak. Figures I'd get called on that.